There's Only One Person Who Can Unite This Nation: Taylor Swift, 2024

I am not a Swiftie. The only times I've heard Taylor Swift's music, I've shut it off almost immediately, not because I disliked it, but because I realized it was far too catchy and would inevitably get stuck in my head. I didn't want that to happen. But I'm increasingly coming around to the view that Taylor Swift should consider a presidential campaign. At this point, she might even be the only one who can save us.

Do I mean this seriously? I'm afraid I do.

Please hear me out. Right now, U.S. politics is facing a major crisis. The incumbent president is hugely unpopular. The overwhelming majority of voters do not want him to run again. Heck, two-thirds of Democrat-leaning voters don't want Biden to run. When asked, they say that Biden is too old. Unfortunately for Biden, this is an insurmountable problem, because he gets older every day, to the point where his birthday cakes are now a serious fire hazard.