April Fools' Day 2023

Congress passed a bipartisan bill on April 1, titled the “Balanced News Elimination Act,” to ban AllSides.com on government devices, with both sides of the aisle citing different reasons. 

“The mission of companies like AllSides is deceptive,” a Biden Administration spokesperson said, "They purport to be a unifying force, but they have users from MAGA Republicans to Socialist Democrats. Any company that is inclusive of the MAGA Republicans is not interested in unifying Americans."

Biden did not comment directly on the matter, with a spokesperson saying he was already late for his morning nap.

Republicans also commented on the move.

“These ‘Misinformation Watches’ expose things…that were meant to be private. They’re an invasion of privacy. Deception and lying are unacceptable,” said Republican Rep. George Santos in a statement to the Daily Bugle (Not Rated). 

Former President Donald Trump, after insulting Biden, went on to say, “The only way to receive BALANCED NEWS is on TRUTH Social,” in a post made on Truth Social around 2 a.m. 

Republican House Speaker McCarthy and Senator Mitch McConnell (D-KY) shared a moment of agreement in a joint statement, saying, “We don’t understand how much data the CCP has from TikTok because we don’t understand how it’s being used in this country… We don’t know how AllSides is being used in this country because… we don’t know how the internet works.”

Meanwhile, “The Squad,” which includes representatives Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Ilhan Omar, Ayanna Pressley, Rashida Tlaib, Jamaal Bowman, Cori Bush, Summer Lee, Greg Casar, Delia Ramirez, Clark Kent, Jed Bartlett Jr., Elle Woods, and J.D. “Boss” Hog, led a protest outside of the Capitol. Along with a handful of supporters, they chanted “Ban Fox next! Ban Fox next!” 

And for once, biased media seemed to agree on something.

One New York Post (Lean Right bias) headline was titled, “AOC, The Squad, and Society at Large Rightfully Lead Protest Against Woke Balanced News Company.” An op-ed from Tucker Carlson (Right bias) said, “The First Amendment is great. But once people start saying crazy stuff like ‘common ground is real’ and ‘maybe we should listen to each other more,’ that’s when the government needs to step in.”

One CNN (Left bias) headline read, “BIPOC Legislators Take Stand Against Harmful Misinformation.” Anchor Don Lemon subtweeted AllSides, saying, “News outlets that amplify the hateful and xenophobic rhetoric of the right are past their prime.”

Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg chimed in on the AllSides drama, saying, “AllSides is breaking the model of the internet that has made so many of us so rich and allowed social media to thrive. Emotionalism, sensationalism, anger, fear, despair – these are what we want viral news stories to have, because it makes people stay on our site and click.

“AllSides throws a wrench in this proven business model. They don’t understand the vision of what the internet could be — a massive cash cow for those of us who deserve to be super rich built on division and polarization. Don’t hate the player, hate the game.”

We would like to thank the AllSides team and you, our loyal readers, for sticking by us in trying times. Rest assured, we have prepared you well to spot media bias and misinformation on your own. 

Remember to always think for yourself and look for the whole picture – which, if you've been practicing so far, means you’ll know that this piece is 100% satire. April Fools!

Clare Ashcraft was the Bridging and Bias Assistant at AllSides. She has a Center bias. After AllSides shuts down, she intends to live under a rock. 

This very serious and totally not satirical blog was reviewed by Managing Editor Henry A. Brechter (Center), Bias Researcher and Data Journalist Andrew Weinzierl (Lean Left), News Curator Isaiah Anthony (Center), Director of Marketing and Media Bias Ratings Julie Mastrine (Lean Right), Chief Janitor John Gable (Lean Right), Director of Respect Marjorie Taylor Greene (Right bias), and Director of Stock Market Ethics Nancy Pelosi (Left bias).