Joe Biden Becomes First Octogenarian President in American History

What happened:

President Joe Biden etched his name in the history books on Sunday by celebrating his 80th birthday and becoming America's first octogenarian president. The White House doesn't want you to know this because they're concerned about "storylines surrounding [Biden's] age."

Why it matters:

Sleepy Joe has exceeded the average male life expectancy in the United States by five whole years. Vice President Kamala Harris, one of the least likable and least competent politicians of her generation, would take power if tragedy were to befall the president. (Well, it's not really a tragedy if you're 80 years old, is it?) Harris becoming president would be the real tragedy. Even her former staffers are terrified at the thought of her succeeding Biden as commander in chief.

What they're saying:

The New York Times interviewed a bunch of "experts in aging" who "have not examined or treated" the president but nonetheless "agreed that Biden has a lot going in his favor." See, there's nothing to worry about!